The elephant in the room... is me.

I am fat. You don’t need to know me on a personal level to see that. I am fat, or in medical terms ‘Morbidly obese’

My biggest peeve is people who say ‘Oh you’re not fat’ when my clothing label, my scales, my doctor and my stretch marks tell me quite the opposite. I own a mirror, I know I’m fat. 

My other peeve is size 10, gym going girls, telling me they are fat. Tell yourself that you are fat all you like, your self deprecation doesn’t bother me. What does bother me, is you turning to someone who is clearly twice your weight and putting yourself down because you are ‘fat’ That tells me that you believe your weight is a bad thing so what the hell do you think of my weight? 

I do not class myself as a ‘curvy girl’ and I have not learned to ‘embrace my curves’ because in my head, for over 20 years of my life I was a ballerina, and I had a ballerina body. Did I hate my gangly arms and flat chest at times? YES. But my body was suited to my passion, it did what I wanted it to and looked the way I needed it to to enable me to be the dancer I wanted to be.

This body? It does nothing. It doesn’t run, it barely walks. It looks horrible in clothes and even worse in a leotard. It hurts all the time. Sometimes on the outside, sometimes on the inside. And it certainly doesn’t dance!

Most shops don’t stock my size. I am alienated. I’m an outcast. A reject. And because of that? I’ve cut myself off entirely. I don’t leave the house, rarely even my room. I don’t meet up with friends, most of the time I don’t even reply to their messages. The thought of having to get dressed and look in the mirror fills me with fear. The knowledge that someone, anyone, will see me looking like this makes me anxious. More so if I actually know them. I am hideous. 

All of this resulted in me socialising a grand total of 5 times last year. 5 times out of the whole of 2018. And I was forced. I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t looking forward to it. 

This year may have only just begun but I already have a hen do and a wedding to tackle. It’s causing me massive amounts of anxiety, stress, upset and disappointment as I try to find an outfit that not only comes in my size, but also flatters my shape, doesn’t clash with my hair, doesn’t show sweat patches and makes me feel confident. There will be cameras, there will be pictures and they will be on social media. And that is my worst damn nightmare. 

I have of course tried to lose weight but my broken body just causes obstacle after obstacle. I will write about things I have tried soon and the problems I’ve come across along the way but today I’m feeling fragile and vulnerable and most of all, Fat!